snail soup

life changes

2011-10-17T04:07:00.000-07:00

yes, of course...i want to change my life everyday...and the new diet starts tomorrow...and tomorrow this, tomorrow that. BUT today is THE day.

good god, i spend a lot of my time here pining over former lives and loves and it's annoying. i'm living in SWITZERLAND for heaven's sake.

i have three goals today:
1. stop complaining
2. eat like i want to live until i'm 40
3. be kind to myself

leggo!

vino

2011-10-06T08:57:00.001-07:00

sometimes, you just gotta drink a bottle of red wine. to yourself. at six in the evening. so it goes.

my autumn romance

2011-09-25T12:56:00.000-07:00

some may call this a poor substitute for a lover's arms but i would argue the exact opposite. simple and sublime. i'll take rolling hills to rolling around in sheets for now.

is it just me or is it something about autumn that reinforces human loneliness? what is it about the gentle cold air and threat of winter? i always want to listen to sad music when the leaves are changing.

i'm currently 5 years out of high school...but this pleasant, smiley chill in the air makes me a bit nostalgic for my angsty teen years spent at brecksville. if you're cool, like i was, you pretend not to like friday night football games, but i think, deep down, everyone profited from the energy and solidarity. c'mon.

vices

2011-09-20T13:09:00.001-07:00

should we admire or be skeptical of the vice-less?

ten years

2011-09-09T14:05:00.000-07:00

tonight, as i watched dodgeball in french, i found my mind wandering to ten years ago. ten years ago, i had just turned 12 and was beginning seventh grade at fretz which was, incidentally, my last year living in bradford. i was a star gymnast, i had lots friends, i was that girl...the one the small town expects big things from. (this may be a country song in the making).

so i wonder...what if me-now could talk to me-then, and tell me-then where i ended up. would i even believe myself if i said "in ten years, you will have nearly meaningless english degree, jaw-dropping debt, and will be living in geneva, switzerland as a nanny"?

i would think that me-then would say something like "no, we're destined for better. we're destined for money, the job, the boy."

so i am, inevitably, contemplating two important things this evening: the measure of success and how it changes over time or between people, and the possibility of leading a predictable life, one that you can foresee ten years in advance.

i don't have answers, but they're interesting topics to muse a bit. i would like to say, though, regarding the second topic: i have a friend. he is an absolutely phenomenal individual and i have, admittedly, always loved him in a not-so-secretive secretive way. he is the type of person who leads a predictable life. in fact, if i were a betting girl, i'd bet that if him-now approached him-then and said "you will have a significant degree from a good university, graduate straight into a stable, well-paid job, and have a girlfriend you care about," him-then would say something like "well, yeah." one must admire this kind of consistency in life!!

is one way better? who is to determine?

who knew dodgeball was such a thought-provoking movie?

9-9-9

2011-09-08T01:49:00.000-07:00

From NPR on the Reagan Library debate: "Cain plugged his 9-9-9 tax plan which would set rates for corporate, personal and national sales taxes at nine percent, explaining that religious tithing generally requires 10 percent and that the government should be able to get by with less than God."

I'm truly scared about the potential of these Republican candidates. They're uninformed, uber conservative, and nearly all of them are staunch Creationists. Something is wrong with this!!!!!

satisfaction

2011-09-06T04:18:00.000-07:00

a word about satisfaction and the lack thereof...

what is it about the past that makes it so easy to romanticize? in my solitude here, i find myself going back to old pictures and thinking, "wow...why did that time end? why did i cut that short? why didn't i fully enjoy that?" and this is something i've always done, with a shameful frequency.

what is this inconvenient human habit that we have of nostalgia and romanticism? i know that, at these former times, i was unhappy where i was...so why do i look back with such pain? when i was in that moment, i wanted to be somewhere else. and at this moment, i want to be at that moment. what's so hard about wanting to be in THIS moment?

this one right here.

the one where i'm living in switzerland and preparing for a short trip to berlin this weekend. not such a bad present. but i do reminisce, somewhat longingly, about the past...and i do pine for a future where i think things will be better. but, alas, the vicious cycle will continue.

to be a bit corny...maybe i will try really hard today to appreciate where i'm at as a direct result of the unhappiness of my past, rather than pretending it was all rainbows and wishing to go back to these times.

a very portugese christmas

2011-09-05T03:47:00.000-07:00

the beauty of living in europe is that i found a plane ticket to and from portugal at christmas time for $200. the problem? i don't have $200. but i do have a credit card.

i am in a state of anxiety-ridden financial paralysis...i have NO money!

i'm sort of hoping, though, i'll look back in this time...perhaps in a reminiscent part of my book or an interview about my book and say something like "i was 22, living in switzerland, with absolutely no money," and then i'll laugh and continue, "it was scary at the time but i couldn't have lived properly without that trip to portugal."

la rentree scolaire

2011-09-02T05:36:00.000-07:00

i didn't get the dream job, or a resume of dazzling credentials. i gained seven pounds this past quarter (and more since), and i didn't graduate in a beautiful dress, bought specifically for the occasion. i have already forgotten the names of nearly every person with whom i interacted these past four years. the man of my dreams? didn't find him. i can no longer use the excuse "i'm a student" to justify epic laziness on sundays or soliciting free dinners from established family friends.

and now, for the first time in 18 years or so, the tinted leaves and pleasant fall weather don't indicate a return to school...they simply remind me that i'm past that point in my life. it's a bitter pill. there are few things i love more than new classes, new books, and the excitement of returning to school. there's something exceptional about the way the air touches your skin, seducing you into believing that this year is going to be different, better. promises are made: to study harder, to make new friends, drink less coffee. and it all seems possible.

that feeling of possibility is intangible to me now, and my body prepares for a winter not full of warm libraries and heavy books, but of life...like, real life. i am suffering from the absence of that enlivening sense of fall and possibility.

politique

2011-08-31T02:16:00.000-07:00

being abroad, specifically in a small, neutral country, has started to give me a new perspective on the current messy state of american affairs. i don't want to give the wrong impression. i am not impressively well-informed on politics, but i keep up. i know that there are a lot of very conservative, napoleonic men striving for obama's seat right now...and i know there's one idiotically archaic woman in the same race. here's my simple thought for the day: why does america need to be THE BEST and THE MAN all of the time? it's natural that economies and countries fluctuate...so why can't we just accept this and quit obsessing about our appearance to the rest of the world? WHY MUST AMERICA EXPOSE ITS IMPOTENCE COMPLEX ALL OF THE TIME?

yes, we have some things that need to be worked in our country. would it be easier if we weren't all so hung up on our perception to other powerhouse countries? yes. would it be easier if we simplified our approach to politics and basic human interaction? definitely.

is america really that bored that we have to entertain ourselves with petty political problems!?!?

perhaps the first step to solving all of these issues is to take a generous bite of american humble pie, let our economy fluctuate, and stop being so damn concerned with appearance, as if we're high schoolers all over again.